12:04: "Not fucking Welbeck!"
14:16: "Please not Welbeck"
 |
| "What do you mean no European football?" |
20:26: "If Welbeck signs then Wenger has to go"
22:43: "Welcome to Arsenal Danny Welbeck!"
And so went the tweets and statuses of every Arsenal fan in the country yesterday as within the space of 24 hours we went from signing the likes of Falcao or Cavani to finally shelling out £16mil for Manchester Uniteds 4th in line striker.
So to celebrate yesterdays traditional National 'keep refreshing the BBC sports page every 30 seconds' day here is the first of my new weekly football blog where we will dissect the finer points of the last week in English football by a man who really doesn't know enough to be qualified to do so; but then Michael Owen and Adrian Chiles are successful pundits so clearly that is no longer an issue these days.
Firstly to tackle last weeks results which saw Diego Costa play the biggest practical joke of the season thus far by pretending to be injured just so everyone in the world except him and Jose Mourinho would remove him from their dream team before he went on to score a brace. Fair play to Chelsea, they absolutely pummelled Everton who my own beloved Gunners barely scraped a draw with the other week and definitely look like the team to beat this year. Cesc Fabregas is in the form of his life (so much so that I've grudgingly put him into my dream team) and Mourinho probably had the best transfer window out of all the leagues managers. Everton shouldn't be too despondent though. They managed to put 3 past the best in the league and they still have Lukaku to come back from injury.
 |
| "You took me out of your dream team Cesc? You fucking idiot!" |
Elsewhere in the league, Manchester City were wrongly denied a penalty which saw Yaya Toure get booked for diving instead and were hilariously beaten at home by a sublime goal by Stokes Mame Diouf; just goes to show how anyone can beat anyone in this league. Crystal Palace and their new manager Neil Warnock celebrated a draw with Newcastle in the same way I'd celebrate if I woke up one day with a 9 inch cock that urinated rolled up £50 notes. One thing I will say about Warnock is that he doesn't seem to mind being Palaces 7th choice for the job which is a bit like banging Snow White and then finding out she was turned down by all of the dwarfs first before having to make do with you. Manchester United and their multi-million pound new boy managed to play in the least exciting game of the season in the nil-nil against a Burnley side with as much firepower as a pound shop water pistol. The only sights of interest in the whole match were of new boy Di Maria's face after his first 'proper tackle' by a bunch of lads fresh from the championship and then his puzzlement at being subbed off for Anderson who looked just as bewildered to be coming on. He was probably busy on his kindle getting to grips with the latest Noddy adventure on the bench
Liverpools Raheem Sterling showed that just because he looks like Grace Jones does not mean he isn't an exceptional talent. Mario Balotelli may also end up as the 2nd best signing of a forward this season (after Costa) if he can just find some form and the back of the net. Although I'll admit I was slightly annoyed that he didn't do anything crazy like rubs his balls on Sterlings hair to celebrate the kids goal. Sp*rs received some karma for playing Adebayor upfront on his own like some sort of douche-bag deity and although they've had a steady first couple of games they still look some way off from competing with the big boys. My deranged surrogate father Arsene Wenger continues to start Sa-no-goal up front when he has a world cup winner (Podolski) and a proven goal scorer on the big stage (Campbell) warming the bench. You can't blame Sanogo himself. If the manger picks you then you can hardly turn around and say 'but I don't know what the fuck I'm, doing guv!' to him. He's doing his best poor chap and hopefully young Danny W will take some pressure off him. Elsewhere in that game, the Arsenal physios tried to solve Laurent Koscielnys concussion by stretching a swimming cap over his head. He promptly staggered back onto the pitch with all the grace of me after 6 pints of wicked strength lager, ballsed up a header by presumably seeing double, fell over, conceded a goal and was taken off. That's probably the last we will see of the 'stretch a Durex over the head if concussed' technique.
 |
| Tough season ahead for Andre Marriner |
And just quickly to the transfer deadline day and it was a bit of a boring one to be honest. The Falcao/United deal was wrapped up early so Falcao could start his holiday from the Champions league as soon as possible. This meant we spent most of the day just waiting to see where Hernandez and Welbeck would end up. Van Gaal now has the trouble of trying to work out how to play Falcao, Rooney and RVP in the same team plus Di Maria. I can think of worse problems to have. I doubt Wenger is losing much sleep about how to fit Sanogo, Campbell and Welbeck all into his attack. Uniteds main problem will still be their defence. They may have signed Rojo and Blind who both look promising but their back line still seems to be lacking something and frankly buying Falcao when you already have two world class strikers but a shoddy back four is a bit like putting the icing on the cake and then finding out the cake is made out of dead guinea-pigs and Chris Smalling. Arsenal have a similar problem. We now have only 6 defenders and if anything happens to Laurent or Mertesacker then it might be time for Steve Bould to get his boots on again.
A couple of last things before I leave you all till next week;
- Why do Sky Sports insist on making players and managers wear those ridiculously oversize headphones when doing an interview that makes them look like Lobot from The Empire Strikes Back
- Congratulations to Woking FC for getting to 4th place in the conference. The doomed dream of promotion begins
- Can someone please ask Arsene Wenger what he's done with Abou Diaby? He's supposedly fit but has yet to even be seen in the reserves. Unless he is now actually being used as a bench in the dugout?
- Why in the name of sweet fuckery did I put Oscar in my dream team?
 |
| Arjen Robben speaks exclusively to Jamie Redknapp |
Tom Eydmann apologises to Danny Welbeck who he is sure will be an excellent signing for his club. He hopes he is good in defence as we're going to fucking need it
Tommy T is a semi-fictional, semi-alter ego and a blogger, writer, comedian and icon. He doesn't have a website because he doesn't know how
Follow him on Twitterhttps://twitter.com/#!/DrTommyT25
And on FaceBookhttp://www.facebook.com/#!/AmateurWriterProfessionalIdiot
And on FaceBookhttp://www.facebook.com/#!/AmateurWriterProfessionalIdiot
No comments:
Post a Comment