Comedy Weekend

Tom Eydmann was asked to write a weekly 'unbiased' blog about soccer for a whole season. They instantly regretted it

"Frankly buying Falcao when you already have two world class strikers but a shoddy back four is a bit like putting the icing on the cake and then finding out the cake is made out of dead guinea-pigs and Chris Smalling"

Bale-esque goal = Bale-esque celebration

A direct quote from this very blog there after transfer deadline day and one that became hilariously profound and true yesterday as Manchester United capitulated at Leicester going from 2-0 up to 5-3 down and with their only homegrown defender sent off. Of course United have arguably the best attacking force in the league; The Di-Maria goal (who I've decided looks like someone rolled over Ed Miliband with a steam roller) was probably the best strike I've seen this season and looks like he was worth every penny they paid for him. But in the simplest terms possible; if you can't defend then you won't win and if Van Gaal - the tortoise man - doesn't do something to sharpen up his defence soon then they may have to get used to seeing 5-3 scorelines throughout the season. Not to take anything away from Leicester of course. They may have got lucky for their first penalty but it is no coincidence that both United and Arsenal have dropped points to them already this season and with players like Ulloa and Vardy (who looks like a great signing; cheap for your fantasy football as well, and he came from non-league) they look increasingly likely to stay up this season with their attacking play.

Vardy: From Fleetwood Town to smashing United 

Elsewhere it was one of those weekends which commentators insist of saying are why the premiership is 'the best league in the world.' Upsets all round as Sp*rs lost to West Brom who are possibly the worst team in the league at the moment. I went to the toilet during the highlights of that game so can't really comment but the scoreline itself was enough for me to chuckle so much that I spilt some wee on the floor. The biggest shock to me was that a Sam Allardyce team actually managed to play some exciting football as West Ham demolished Liverpool. I'm not quite sure what is going on in the Anfield camp at the moment. Brendan Rogers said after the game that Liverpools title challenge was over already which I think is a slight over-reaction. However if they don't sharpen up at the back and if Super Mario doesn't find his shooting boots soon then it may become an uncomfortable reality before Christmas. 

Rogers must have looked at the Crystal Palace game and wondered if he'd made a mistake by letting Martin Kelly go. The defender, along with the rest of Palaces back 4 and keeper Julian Speroni put in a great shift against an Everton side that are almost as bad as Man United in scoring at one end whilst leaking goals at the other. Tim Howard, usually the one holding the Toffees defence together had a poor afternoon as he was at fault for both Palaces penalty and then failing to deal with the Kelly cross that led to Campbells headed goal (perhaps he was too concerned with the flock of bees he has allowed to make a home on his face).

Tim Howard and his chin entourage of well trained bees

And so to the biggest match of the weekend. The premier league leaders took on the reigning champions in a game already being described as 'a bit meh.' Chelsea employed the kind of tactics that make them boring to watch but grinds out results which, whilst it might anger Pellegrini (who is quickly becoming the least likable manager in a league that contains both Sam Allardyce and Jose Mourinho) and cause him to accuse them of playing like Stoke (bit out of order to Mark Hughes there), but it is these kinds of games and tactics that decide who will win the league and Jose will take a draw at the Etihad as a definite plus. Not much else to report on this snooze-fest except me cheering my dream team when Diego Coffee-Shop hit the crossbar and the funniest part of the whole weekend when Frank Lampard came on to a chorus of cheers and singing form the Chelsea faithful, only to repay them by scoring minutes later causing 10 man City to take a share of the spoils. Lampards attempt to look sombre and sheepish after scoring was very reminiscent to me of the time I caught my hamster staring at me through the cage with a solemn look hiding a cheeky grin; only for me to realise seconds later he had eaten the other hamster in the cage. RIP Mr Tiddles.

"I'm sorry I ate Mr Tiddles"

In the other games of the week, Newcastle managed to keep Pardew in the job a little bit longer by drawing with Hull. I really don't agree with fans who start all these campaigns and petitions to get managers sacked, but maybe that's because my club has had the same manager since I've been old enough to care or understand. Sunderland and Burnley had their turn in the weekly 0-0 (something which seems to becoming a bit of a trend with Burnley). Two of the most exciting teams so far in the league Swansea and Southampton had a strangely subdued game, possibly due to Swansea striker Bony being sent off in the first half (straight out of my dream team after 2 weeks and -2 points) before Southampton managed to score towards the end and nick the win.

And so to Arsenal who after the results of the rest of the premier league came through had quite a good weekend considering how poor they were against Dortmund last Tuesday. And lets not kid ourselves, they were fucking shite. Possibly the worst I'd seen us play since the 6-0 whipping by Chelsea last season. Arteta looked like an elderly Antonio Banderas struggling to remember what movie he was in. Ramsey and Ozil looked liked they were playing hungover for a Sunday league team and after the game there were calls for all three of them to be dropped (by myself included). Showing again that Wenger knows best and I know shit, he instead kept all three of them and dropped Wilshire and Alexis Sanchez who were our two best performers on a dismal night in Germany. It paid off dividends as Ozil and Welbeck opened up their accounts for the season with a goal and an assist apiece. It was especially pleasing to see Ozil silence his critics who have now turned on our Welsh boy wonder and with good reason. Whilst Ramsey still looks like he thinks it's 2012 and has forgotten how good he was last season, the rest of the team looked assured and after taking Villa apart in 5 minutes they then held the game comfortably throughout the second half. We've moved back into the top 4 now and hopefully we can capitalize on this and not hit the self destruct button against Sp*rs and Chelsea in the coming weeks.   

Mesut Ozil goes up against his Arsenal idol Senderos

And so to this week. Firstly we see the likes of the Capital One cup where the most exciting prospect is probably Arsenal vs Southampton. Arsenal should field a good mix of experienced players such as Rosicky, Diaby (can you even call him experienced anymore?) and Joel Campbell plus a defence made up of Hector Bellerin, Isaac Hayden and a bunch of 12 year olds. I'm going to the game as Arsenal have started a system where you can get tickets for the league cup for as little as £10 compared to the kidney you have to sell to be able to afford league game tickets. Chelsea and Man City should also field their B teams consisting of world class players that would walk into most other squads starting 11. in a strange coincidence I'm also going to another Capital One cup game when Crystal Palace take on Newcastle. That should be a pretty good tie with Newcastles defence shakier than Michael J Fox with a bowl of jelly and Palace seemingly resurgent with players like Jedinak and Bolasie looking promising on the weekend.

So onto next weekend which sees both the North London and Merseyside derby take place. I'm going with an Arsenal win (obviously) just down to current form and the fact that I'm hoping we can get Ady-a-bore sent off again. Everton/Liverpool is a hard one to call with both teams seemingly having a dip in form at the moment. However whilst both seem to be leaking goals in defence, Liverpool also seem to be lacking upfront with Daniel Sturridge out so I'm going to go 2-1 Everton with Lukaku getting the winner (prove me wrong Raheem). Everything else looks pretty standard but there could still be upsets if Aston Villa can pick themselves up after Saturdays loss and give Chelsea a game. I wouldn't be surprised to see a high scoring draw in the United vs West Ham game (going for a risky 3-3 there). Everything else seems pretty standard. Going for a draw between Palace and Leicester, A win for Southampton and Swansea and a demolishing of Hull by City (4-0).

A few other things as always

• Woking Watch - After the dizzying high of being in 2nd place, The Cards were bought back down to earth with a bang with back to back losses against Torquay and Bristol seeing us drop to 4th. Still these aren't the games that we should worry too much about and so long as we don't get stuck in a rut now it can still be a great season for us
• Fantasy Football - Not a bad weekend considering my captain didn't even play and my vice did shit all (give me a text next time your gonna bench Sanchez please Arsene). Am tempted to bring in either Vardy from Leicester or Bolasie from Palace if they have one more decent game to prove they are no fluke.
• Diaby -watch. On the bench against Villa (although that may have been to hold Podolskis shin-pads incase he misplaced one again). He'll probably get a run out against Southampton, look amazing and promptly get injured again after banging his knee on a corner flag.
• Why is it after a month of writing these blogs I still can't spell Leicester without using spell check?  It's that tricky 2nd E in the middle, gets me everytime
• Chelsea should probably think about signing that Frank Lampard guy; he looks handy

Till next time

Abou Diaby: Back for good? Doubt it

Tommy T is a semi-fictional, semi-alter ego and a blogger, writer, comedian and icon. He doesn't have a website because he doesn't know how

Follow him on Twitterhttps://twitter.com/#!/DrTommyT25
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Fantasy Fuck Up

Tom Eydmann was asked to write a weekly 'unbiased' blog about soccer for a whole season. They instantly regretted it

Me and my friend are sitting in a quiet bar nursing our third beer of the evening with an uneasy silence. He breaks the deadlock first.

"Chelsea are going to win the league aren't they?"

I open my mouth to protest. To say how early in the season it is. How Diego Costa or Fabregas could easily get injured and scupper their title chances. How Arsenal and City still need to kick on and get their seasons properly into gear. How United can still turn on the show with their new signings and how maybe Swansea could do the unthinkable and make top 4. I open my mouth to say all these things but I feel deflated and just glumly nod.

Chelsea just look that fucking good.

At least Arsenal made sure he had a decent haircut

And so the evil Gods of fantasy football waft the proverbial fart in my dream teams face again and I dropped 3 places in every league I was in this weekend. While all the people with Diego Costa as their captain soared to the top of their leagues, every single one of my players except Alexis Sanchez (who played a blinder for Arsenal on Saturday; just as well as Mesut Ozil seems to have taken a temporary leave of giving a shit) had weekends to forget. Out of my two Liverpool players one of them (Raheem Sterling) didn't even start and when he did his only shot on target was blocked by none other than Jordan Henderson (my other Liverpool player). Balotelli was largely anonymous but you have to give credit to Aston Villa who seem to be in something of resurgence. Gabby Agbonlahor gave them the lead in their first away win at Anfield in god knows how long (probably not that long but I try and do as little research as possible for this article). England new boy Fabian Delph and Arsenal reject Phillipe Senderos were both outstanding. Fuck even Tom Cleverly looked like a proper football player for the first time in his life. Liverpool on the other hand looked tired and lacklustre. Balotelli is still waiting to get on the score sheet and really needs to soon with Sturridge out for at least 2 more weeks and Champions league games coming up.

Someone who certainly isn't suffering from a goal drought is Diego Costa whose linkup play with Cesc 'we taught him everything he knows' Fabregas is looking to make him this seasons Louis Suarez. Despite the early promise for Swansea after John Terry got a hilarious own goal, the quality of the Chelsea squad shone through and with every game that passes they are looking more and more like champions. Not much to say on this game except that Swansea shouldn't be too worried; they put in a decent performance and these aren't the games that will define their season. And Gary Cahill is looking more nd more liekt hebest defender in the league.

The Arsenal vs City game was an absolute cracker with Jack Wilshire showing his critics (cough Redknapp) just why he is such a special player. His goal was a great one in a great game which either team could have won. Danny W (or 'Wele' as the Gooner faithful have started calling him) hit the post with a cheeky chip and Samir Nasri (or 'total twat' as he is otherwise know) had a goal disallowed right at the death resulting in thousands of red and whites making the wanker sign at him. Still both teams will look at this game as 2 points lost and whilst Arsenal are still unbeaten in the league this season one gets the sense that they haven't started playing as well as they should be. I wrote in this blog a couple of weeks ago that I was dismayed that Arsene Wenger didn't bring in any more defenders in the transfer window and whilst Mathieu Debuchys injury isn't as bad as first thought, we are still in the position of having to play our only back up centre back (the inexperienced Calum Chambers) at right back for at least the next few league games and Champions league games as well (not to mention the Capital One cup). It is an uneasy situation to be in and I sincerely hope that Arsene Wenger has been spending the last 2 years converting Abou Diaby into a talented defender or we may be bang in trouble.

Di Maria - the airs are aerodynamic

Elsewhere in the league Lukaku announced his return from injury with a 1st minute goal and inspiring Everton to actually defend in a 2-0 win over West Brom (Cheers for the assist Leighton Baines. Cheers for nothing Steven Naismith). Crystal Palace and Burnley drew in a 0-0 which was even less interesting than it sounds, Man Utd finally got their season going on Sunday with Di Maria looking like he may actually be worth some of the 7 billion pounds they spent on him. A lot of people had been wondering how Van Gaal (who looks like a human tortoise I've decided) would be able to play Rooney, Van Persie and Falcao upfront together. The answer clearly is to bench the most expensive player there and let the midfield score most of the goals. I thought Blind and Rojo all had impressive debuts for United and whilst it was only QPR they were playing (no disrespect Harry) if they can continue to grow on this form then they will do well this season I suspect.

And so to this week where we see the return of the Champions League group stages. Arsenal travel to Dortmund in a game I fully expect us to lose and gain 3 more injuries (which going by my predictions last week means we will probably win 7-0 and Diaby will become a super-human). Liverpool host Ludogrets whose name took me 4 attempts to spell right and who I know absolutely fuck all about. I suspect Liverpool will do well though and expect Mario to finally get a goal for his new club. Chelseas group of amateur Sunday league teams sees their toughest game on Wednesday night when they take on Shalke 04. I'm guessing they will wipe the floor with them although we might get to see Remy start his first game for the club which will be a talking point at least. The highlight of the week though has to be the Manchester City vs Bayern Munich game. Yaya Toure was rested on the weekend for this game so you can tell that Pellegrini is taking the trip to Germany very seriously indeed (or that he just thought Arsenal wouldn't provide much of a threat - prick). I'm still going for a win for Bayern though.

Just one or two other things to leave you with  

• Sp*rs are up for sale. I've just traded in all my old DVDs for around £60 so I might be in with a shout at buying them just so I can sell both their good players to Woking and employ Adebayor as my personal ball scratcher. Spurs may also end up having to play a season in Milton Keynes, sharing with the MK Dons whilst their new stadium is being built. They also might have to play games in Wembley and the Olympic stadium. Rumours that they might play some games at the Emirates have been denied as Wenger said having to host them once a year was 'bad enough' for the local residents who have gotten used to a certain class of fan around the area.
• Woking Watch - A 1-0 win over old rival Aldershit and another 1-0 over Chester on Saturday have put the cards up to 2nd place in the league. It's an exciting time but we've got 2 hard games coming up so we'll see where we are in 2 weeks before getting a hard-on about it.
• Fantasy Football update. After bringing in Sterling this week he promptly went awol against Villa on Saturday giving me a glorious 1 point. So do I bite the bullet and sacrifice points in order to free up money and buy Costa or do I go for the safer, cheaper Lukaku? It's a tricky decision.
• QPR might be banned entry from the Championship if they are relegated this season (an increasingly likely prospect). They face a fine of 40mill for operating at such a high loss last term. Frankly they have no-one to blame but themselves for their ridiculous wage bill but the prospect of them ending up playing Woking in the conference is an enticing one
• Did anyone else notice how much Theo Walcott looks like Lewis Hamilton at the Arsenal game on Saturday? How have I never spotted this before? Andre Marriner was reported to say that Samuel L Jackson also looked a bit like the Arsenal forward as well
• Alan Pardew is the smart money for first manager to get the boot this season after being smashed by Southampton. Why I put Kruhl as my dream team keeper is fucking beyond me

'THUG LIFE!'

Till next time

Tommy T is a semi-fictional, semi-alter ego and a blogger, writer, comedian and icon. He doesn't have a website because he doesn't know how

Follow him on Twitterhttps://twitter.com/#!/DrTommyT25
And on FaceBookhttp://www.facebook.com/#!/AmateurWriterProfessionalIdiot

Interlull Blues

Jedwards concert was far from a sellout

The international break used to give me something of an excited feeling. To see Beckham, Owen, Stevie G and the like dazzle us with the silky skills of the 'Golden Generation.' These days the 'Interlull' fills me with about as much excitement as the announcement of a new Jedward Album featuring a guest rap from Abu Hamza. Don't get me wrong, I love England and the England team but this current crop of players must be the worst group I've seen in my lifetime. Sure there is genuine talent out there with the likes of youngsters Raheem Sterling and Calum Chambers but the mix is all wrong. If you take out new captain Wayne Rooney then how many goals and caps do the current squad have between them? Last night the most capped player in the squad outside of Rooney and goalkeeper Joe Hart was James Milner, and he only played for the last 15 minutes. People talk about a new era of young players coming through and how they need time to mature which is all well and good but you need to have experienced players in the squad to guide them and help them develop into quality international footballers. People have spoken of Rooney as a leader but the truth is that there is simply no-one else in the squad (with the possible exceptions of Joe Hart and Gary Cahill, both of whom I thought played a blinder last night) who has the experience required to be the national skipper. This lack of faith in the England squad was most evident in the Norway game which saw the attendance at Wembley at a record low although I can't be the only one who thinks if they lowered the price of tickets, food and drink (for friendlies at least), then it might see a slight boost when we don't have to re-mortgage the house just to sit in the upper tier with a pie and a pint.

Welbeck played well for England

So I generally spend the interlull games praying that Arsenal don't suffer anymore injuries and that Costa, Balotelli and Aguero might pull their metatarsal. But I was at least encouraged by Gunner newbie Danny Welbeck who looked promising when he came on as a sub for the crocked Sturridge against Noway and them superbly stepped upto the plate last night with 2 finishes that whilst slightly clumsy at least showed he knows how to get into the right positions when it matters. The diamond formation that Hodgson played last night seemed to pay off and we looked a much more together outfit than we did last Wednesday. The only problem I have with Hodgson is that he seems to pick players based on who they play for rather than any current form. Take Welbeck for example. Now I will be the first to admit that the boy came good last night and I'm now genuinely excited to see him do his thing in North London as he looks increasingly like the bargain buy of the transfer window (got I hope he gets more goals than Falcao this season). But prior to last nights game he had been injured at United and even when fit he was below Rooney, Van Persie and even Hernandez in Van Gaals pecking order. So where was the logic in starting him over someone like Rickie Lambert who even playing below Sturridge and Mario has still seen more game time than Danny in the past few months? Obviously I know shit because starting Welbeck paid dividends but it seemed to me that Hodgson was simply playing him because he was Arsenals 'Brand New Signing (tm).' The same goes with players like Chambers. Sure he's played a bit for us when Mertesacker was off downing champagne and banging hookers to celebrate winning the world cup but if he still played for Southampton could anyone honestly say he would get a sniff at playing in the England squad? It seems to me that Hodgson simply looks at which English players play for the top 6 teams and selects them automatically; almost as if he's letting Wenger, Rodgers and co do his scouting and managing for him. But again we won so I know Jackshit and have faith in the owls management.

Elsewhere in the interlull Di Maria helped Argentina absolutely destroy Germany around 5 weeks too late for it to mean anything except slightly justify the amount Man United spent on him. Yaya Sa-nogoal decided to ruin his nickname by scoring thrice for the French under 21's (which is probably him done for the season now). Jack Wilshire has come under even more criticism for his performances for both club and country. Now I'm sure even Stevie Wonder can see that Jack is being played out of position but he also gives 100% in every game he plays in. This season will be a massive one for him (I'd go so far as to maybe say make or break) but for someone like Jamie Redknapp to have a go at his fitness levels and being injury prone is like David Bowie taking tips on how to be a better musician from S Club 7.

Will Remy start against Swansea? 

So the interlull is over and just as well as I was so starved of decent football this week that I have agreed to buy tickets with actual money I worked for to watch Crystal Palace play Newcastle in the league cup in 2 weeks. So finally my mind can return to it's normal state. This weekend the big fixture is easily the 'freshly beaten by Stoke' Manchester City taking on the 'freshly drew with Leicester' Arsenal. I'm excited to see Welbecks debut up front with Sanchez and Cazorla just behind. Although the strange absence of Mesut Ozil during Germanys win over Scotland is a worry. Still I'm going for a Gunners 2-1 winner (slight bias there). Elsewhere Chelsea vs Swansea should be a good game and Chelseas first real test of the season as they take on a side managed by Gary Monk who gets my vote for manager of the month already. To be honest I can't see then beating Chelsea (especially as this is the week I put Fabregas in my dream team) but if Diego Costa is not fit to play then I guess anything can happen (probably a Remy hat trick). Anyway I'm going with 3-1 Chelsea on that one. Liverpool are also playing an in form Aston Villa and with Danny Sturridge looking unlikely after his England injury all eyes will be be on how well Balotelli can lead the line with Sterling and Henderson providing him. My money is on 2-0 to Liverpool on that one. Rio Ferdinand will get to face his old club as QPR take on Man United in a game which should be a walk in the park for Van Gaals red devils. I'm going 1-0 to Redknapps boys then. Everything else seems pretty routine although I'd put a wager on the Southampton vs Newcastle game being a high scorer (Morgan Schneiderlin has impressed so far this season and I reckon he'll bag at least one).

Just one or two more things

• Woking Watch - Everyones favourite conference team are up to 3rd place after a routine 3-1 win over Lincoln which I attended hungover and got very drunk with the 'hair of the dog' remedy being my nemesis. The Cards take on Aldershot tonight in a classic derby fixture that I'm sure will make Rangers vs Celtic look like a rather tame argument between 2 old women at bingo
• Abou Diaby is not dead! He played with Joel Campbell for Arsenals under 21s. Could this finally be the season where he cracks on and shows the talent we all know he's capable of (Note- of course it won't. He'll probably get injured after Sa-nogoal nominates him for an ice bucket challenge)
• Fantasy football update. Oscar out and Sterling in. Was tempted to buy Schneiderlin but frankly if you can afford the better option you gots to take it 
• I watched a documentary last night called 'Next Goal Wins.' It's about the worst international team of all time, the American Samoan team and their struggle to win a single game after losing 33-0 to Australia. Very funny and surprisingly moving. Well worth a watch.
• With the retirement of Drogba and Klose Robbie Keane is now the most prolific active scorer in international football with 62 goals; ahead of a certain Cristiano Ronaldo. Just let that sink in for a second 
• Despite me hating him for what he did to poor Aaron Ramseys leg back in 2010 I'm still keeping half an eye on Ryan Shawcross who was phenomenal against City last week. Could he get an England call up for the next interlull? Don't rule it out
• It's not football related but I do have to say how happy I am to hear that Michael Schumacher will be coming out of hospital. A true sporting hero and an inspiration to us all

And finally please feel free to enjoy this amazing piece of skill from the legend that is Lord Nicklas Bendtner.
Suddenly Sa-nogoal doesn't seem all that bad does he?

Till next week  

Tommy T is a semi-fictional, semi-alter ego and a blogger, writer, comedian and icon. He doesn't have a website because he doesn't know how

Follow him on Twitterhttps://twitter.com/#!/DrTommyT25
And on FaceBookhttp://www.facebook.com/#!/AmateurWriterProfessionalIdiot 

Danny Oh-Feck!

Tom Eydmann was asked to write an 'unbiased' blog about football once a week for the whole season. They instantly regretted it


12:04: "Not fucking Welbeck!"
14:16: "Please not Welbeck"

"What do you mean no European football?"

17:31: "It's clearly going to be Welbeck isn't it"
20:26: "If Welbeck signs then Wenger has to go"
22:43: "Welcome to Arsenal Danny Welbeck!"

And so went the tweets and statuses of every Arsenal fan in the country yesterday as within the space of 24 hours we went from signing the likes of Falcao or Cavani to finally shelling out £16mil for Manchester Uniteds 4th in line striker.

So to celebrate yesterdays traditional National 'keep refreshing the BBC sports page every 30 seconds' day here is the first of my new weekly football blog where we will dissect the finer points of the last week in English football by a man who really doesn't know enough to be qualified to do so; but then Michael Owen and Adrian Chiles are successful pundits so clearly that is no longer an issue these days.

Firstly to tackle last weeks results which saw Diego Costa play the biggest practical joke of the season thus far by pretending to be injured just so everyone in the world except him and Jose Mourinho would remove him from their dream team before he went on to score a brace. Fair play to Chelsea, they absolutely pummelled Everton who my own beloved Gunners barely scraped a draw with the other week and definitely look like the team to beat this year. Cesc Fabregas is in the form of his life (so much so that I've grudgingly put him into my dream team) and Mourinho probably had the best transfer window out of all the leagues managers. Everton shouldn't be too despondent though. They managed to put 3 past the best in the league and they still have Lukaku to come back from injury.

"You took me out of your dream team Cesc? You fucking idiot!"

Elsewhere in the league, Manchester City were wrongly denied a penalty which saw Yaya Toure get booked for diving instead and were hilariously beaten at home by a sublime goal by Stokes Mame Diouf; just goes to show how anyone can beat anyone in this league. Crystal Palace and their new manager Neil Warnock celebrated a draw with Newcastle in the same way I'd celebrate if I woke up one day with a 9 inch cock that urinated rolled up £50 notes. One thing I will say about Warnock is that he doesn't seem to mind being Palaces 7th choice for the job which is a bit like banging Snow White and then finding out she was turned down by all of the dwarfs first before having to make do with you. Manchester United and their multi-million pound new boy managed to play in the least exciting game of the season in the nil-nil against a Burnley side with as much firepower as a pound shop water pistol. The only sights of interest in the whole match were of new boy Di Maria's face after his first 'proper tackle' by a bunch of lads fresh from the championship and then his puzzlement at being subbed off for Anderson who looked just as bewildered to be coming on. He was probably busy on his kindle getting to grips with the latest Noddy adventure on the bench

Liverpools Raheem Sterling showed that just because he looks like Grace Jones does not mean he isn't an exceptional talent. Mario Balotelli may also end up as the 2nd best signing of a forward this season (after Costa) if he can just find some form and the back of the net. Although I'll admit I was slightly annoyed that he didn't do anything crazy like rubs his balls on Sterlings hair to celebrate the kids goal. Sp*rs received some karma for playing Adebayor upfront on his own like some sort of douche-bag deity and although they've had a steady first couple of games they still look some way off from competing with the big boys. My deranged surrogate father Arsene Wenger continues to start Sa-no-goal up front when he has a world cup winner (Podolski) and a proven goal scorer on the big stage (Campbell) warming the bench. You can't blame Sanogo himself. If the manger picks you then you can hardly turn around and say 'but I don't know what the fuck I'm, doing guv!' to him. He's doing his best poor chap and hopefully young Danny W will take some pressure off him. Elsewhere in that game, the Arsenal physios tried to solve Laurent  Koscielnys concussion by stretching a swimming cap over his head. He promptly staggered back onto the pitch with all the grace of me after 6 pints of wicked strength lager, ballsed up a header by presumably seeing double, fell over, conceded a goal and was taken off. That's probably the last we will see of the 'stretch a Durex over the head if concussed' technique.

Tough season ahead for Andre Marriner

And just quickly to the transfer deadline day and it was a bit of a boring one to be honest. The Falcao/United deal was wrapped up early so Falcao could start his holiday from the Champions league as soon as possible. This meant we spent most of the day just waiting to see where Hernandez and Welbeck would end up. Van Gaal now has the trouble of trying to work out how to play Falcao, Rooney and RVP in the same team plus Di Maria. I can think of worse problems to have. I doubt Wenger is losing much sleep about how to fit Sanogo, Campbell and Welbeck all into his attack. Uniteds main problem will still be their defence. They may have signed Rojo and Blind who both look promising but their back line still seems to be lacking something and frankly buying Falcao when you already have two world class strikers but a shoddy back four is a bit like putting the icing on the cake and then finding out the cake is made out of dead guinea-pigs and Chris Smalling. Arsenal have a similar problem. We now have only 6 defenders and if anything happens to Laurent or Mertesacker then it might be time for Steve Bould to get his boots on again.

A couple of last things before I leave you all till next week;

• Why do Sky Sports insist on making players and managers wear those ridiculously oversize headphones when doing an interview that makes them look like Lobot from The Empire Strikes Back 
• Congratulations to Woking FC for getting to 4th place in the conference. The doomed dream of promotion begins
• Can someone please ask Arsene Wenger what he's done with Abou Diaby? He's supposedly fit but has yet to even be seen in the reserves. Unless he is now actually being used as a bench  in the dugout?
• Why in the name of sweet fuckery did I put Oscar in my dream team?

Arjen Robben speaks exclusively to Jamie Redknapp

Till next time

Tom Eydmann apologises to Danny Welbeck who he is sure will be an excellent signing for his club. He hopes he is good in defence as we're going to fucking need it  

Tommy T is a semi-fictional, semi-alter ego and a blogger, writer, comedian and icon. He doesn't have a website because he doesn't know how

Follow him on Twitterhttps://twitter.com/#!/DrTommyT25
And on FaceBookhttp://www.facebook.com/#!/AmateurWriterProfessionalIdiot